Always
by SilenceintheGraveyard
Summary: Severus' love for Lily was doomed from the very beginning. He has too enraptured with the dark arts to exist in the same world as such a fierce, fiery Gryffindor. This series follows Severus' descent into the darkness, and the loss of the one source of life in his light. I'm not sure how many chapters there will be yet, at least 4.


**By The Portrait Hole**

Severus hurried down the dark corridor. It was very late. He knew that if he ran into a teacher, he would be in serious trouble. But at the moment he did not care. He had to do this. He could not, _would_ not, leave things the way they were. He just had to make up with her. She had to forgive him. He did not think he could live with his mistake if she didn't.

Severus walked on, determined yet terrified. His own terrible guilt and his absolute loathing of James Potter pierced him with every step. _Potter_ , who had made his life miserable from the moment they both set foot in Hogwarts. And for what reason? Because he existed. But Severus tried to push James Potter out of his mind. Lily was all that mattered right now. Severus quickened his pace, and did not slow until he could see his destination; the portrait of the Fat Lady, the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

Here Severus finally did stop, as he wasn't sure what to do next. He had to get in to talk to Lily, but he highly doubted that the Fat Lady would let him in without a password. He stood there, thinking. He had to do it. There was no other way. The Fat Lady regarded him silently, her eyebrows raised. Severus shifted his weight nervously and asked, hesitantly,

"Can I go in?"

"Do you have a password?" she asked.

"No," he replied, scowling.

"Well, then, you can't go in," she replied, irritated. Severus had expected this, but it angered him nonetheless. He glanced around furtively; the corridor was still deserted.

"Listen," he said, stepping closer to the Fad Lady's portrait, "I need to get in. I need to see Lily, I have to talk to her." His words came in a rush now, and it was hard to keep the desperation out of his voice.

"If you can't let me in, then could you send her out to me? Tell her I need to talk to her. Please," He added imploringly.

"I'm sorry," she said stubbornly. "You will just have to wait until you next see her if you want to talk to her."

Severus stood there, glaring, infuriated by her refusal. He turned away from the Fat Lady, scowling, and trying to resist the temptation to draw his wand. He leaned his shoulder against the cold stone wall of the corridor, his arms crossed. He would not give up this easily, but he did not know what to do next. He was so lost in thought, he didn't notice the sound of approaching footsteps until he heard a voice from just behind him.

"What are _you_ doing here?" the voice said.

Severus spun around, drawing his wand. He ended up face to face with a girl with long, dark blond hair pulled back away from her face in a half-up half-down style. It was Mary Macdonald. He did not respond, just stood there staring. Her appearance had caught him off guard.

"I _said_ , what are you doing here, _Snivellus_?" she demanded, glaring at him as though he had done her a great personal wrong.

Severus jerked his head slightly, as though trying to shake off and irksome fly. The name stung. It was only a stupid nickname, but Severus had known nothing but unkind words all his life. As he stowed his wand back into his cloak, he remembered how Lily had spat the same loathsome nickname at him only hours ago. But he tried not to think about that, as it only sent a fresh wave of guilt and sadness crashing over him. Instead he cleared his throat and addressed Mary Macdonald.

"I want to talk to Lily. Can you let me in?" he asked.

"No," she said flatly, almost before he had finished speaking. "Although, I'm surprised you would ask. James and his mates are probably still in the common room, and they would love nothing better than to jinx you into a jelly with no other witnesses besides fellow Gryffindors. _It's no more than you deserve_ ," she muttered as an afterthought.

She continued to glare at Severus, as though she expected him to argue, but he did not. He had not thought about Potter and his mates being in there, too. She was probably right.

"Well, then, can't you send her out here?" he asked, frustrated, tugging at the frayed sleeve of his second-hand robes. "Can't you tell her that I'm out here, and I need to talk to her?" Mary was _really_ starting to aggravate him. Didn't he have enough to worry about already? Did her stubbornness _really_ need to be added to the list? He just had to talk to Lily.

"No," Mary said firmly, with a small smile that suggested she enjoyed being unhelpful. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow if you want to talk to her." She pushed Severus out of the way and approached the portrait hole.

"No!" Severus gasped, panicking. He reached out and grabbed Mary Macdonald's arm to stop her. "Please, you have to—"

But Mary wrenched her arm from his grasp and shouted angrily, "I don't _have_ to do anything for you! Now get away from me!" She turned back towards the Fat Lady's portrait.

"Fine!" Severus shouted, throwing up his hands in pure exasperation. "Don't tell her! I—I'll stay out here all night if I have to!" he called desperately after her as she disappeared into the Gryffindor common room. The portrait hole swung shut again, and Severus was once again alone in the corridor.

He stood there for a few moments, breathing hard. Then he walked back towards the wall and leaned his shoulder against it once again. His hair fell into his face, obscuring his vision. He _would_ stay out here all night if it came to that. As he stood there, he replayed the scene that had unfolded under the beech tree over and over again in his mind. It managed to hurt him every time.

Suddenly he heard the sound of a hinge creaking behind him, and turned to see the portrait hole swinging open, and Lily climbing out of it.

Severus stood there, gazing at her. She was wearing a green dressing gown that matched her eyes perfectly. She stood in front of the Fad Lady, arms folded. She stared at him with cold eyes, waiting for him to speak.

Severus stepped towards her, took a deep breath and said, with as much sincerity as he could, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested," she replied.

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

Her eyes still bore into his with that terrible, cold look. He could not bear that look. He had to explain, she had to forgive him, but before he could begin, Lily spoke again.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was," Severus said quickly, internally grateful that Mary actually _had_ decided to say something to Lily. "I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice, just as there was none in her eyes. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater Friends—you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

Severus opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. He did not know what to say. She didn't miss much.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No!" Severus cried, and his voice sounded strangled. He felt as though the world around him was crumbling, threatening to cave in. "Listen, I didn't mean—"

"To call me Mudblood?" she retorted. "But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Severus struggled on the verge of speech. _Just say it, "I love you," just_ say _it!_ But Lily turned away.

"You made this choice, Sev," she murmured. Severus thought she sounded almost regretful.

Lily climbed back through the portrait hole. Severus tried to follow, calling out for her, but the portrait hole swung shut, leaving him alone in the corridor. He stood there for a moment, then leaned against the wall of the corridor, his forehead and hands pressing against the stones. He wanted nothing more than to pass through and join Lily on the other side. He shook with suppressed sobs, and tears fell thick and fast from his dark eyes. Slowly, he slid down to his knees and pressed his face into his hands. He felt the loss of his friend, his joy, and his light like the loss of the brightest star in all the heavens.

After a while, Severus was able to stop crying. He stood and walked numbly back to the Slytherin common room. When he got back he found that the common room was not yet empty, despite the late hour. He could see his fellow fifth-year Slytherins gathered in a corner, muttering darkly. Good, he thought. That meant the dormitory was empty. No one spoke to him as he crossed the common room and climbed the stairs. When he entered the dormitory he glanced at his bedside table, on which sat a vase containing a single white Lily. It had been a gift from Lily on his last birthday. He picked it up with a trembling hand, closing his eyes as he remembered….

"I-it's beautiful, thank you," Severus said, blinking in surprise.

"I knew you'd like it," Lily said, her green eyes shining. "I know it's your favorite flower." She leaned in close to him and whispered, "And I know that's because of me."

Severus' entire faced turned red. "I-I… y-you… I d-don't-"

Lily laughed. "You're cute when you're flustered Sev," she said. "You know, I put an everlasting spell on that lily. Since you accepted it, the spell is complete, and it'll never die."

"That's a really advanced spell," Severus said. "Are you sure you managed it?"

Lily playfully punched his shoulder. "Of course!" she said. It'll live forever. Or at least, until one of us dies."

She said it lightly, but her words made Severus shiver slightly. He hoped he never had to live to see the flower die.

Severus opened his eyes, feeling fresh tears run down his cheeks. He thought back to all the beautiful memories he had with Lily, and he was glad to have the flower, even if it was a cruel reminder of what he'd lost. It was a piece of the girl he loved, her last gift to him. He shivered, and once again hoped beyond hope that he would never live to see the flower die.


End file.
